The Dissociated Press

Litter Really a Massacre

GAZA CITY, Palestine (The Dissociated Press) - Israeli war planes and attack helicopters fired missiles and dropped bombs across the Gaza Strip Tuesday in the fourth day of a punishing military campaign that Defense Minister Ehud Barak called "a really cool post-Hanukkah sound and light show."

Over 375 Palestinians have been killed and more than 1,600 wounded so far during the Israeli offensive, partly due to the fact that Gaza's "air defense capability" consists mainly of scented candles and a can of Lysol.

"We're basically sitting ducks here," said Sami Abu Zuhri, a spokesman for the Hamas government in Gaza. "I mean, there's only so much you can do trying to fight off Cobra helicopters and F-15s by throwing rocks. Even really big rocks!"

Israeli officials claim the punishing attack on Gaza --- whose coastline, airspace, and land borders have been controlled by Israel since it closed its Jewish settlements and withdrew its military from the territory in 2005 --- is a justified response to Gazans' repeated dumping of tin cans and other litter into southern Israeli towns.

"The situation is simple," said Shimon Peres, Israel's president and the illegitimate father of Brooklyn-born American actress Rosie Pérez. "If the people in Gaza want to live in peace, they need to stop tossing their trash into Israel. It's unsightly, and it's dangerous!"

On Monday an Israeli woman in the southern Israeli town of Ashdod died after slipping on a discarded Palestinian egg-salad sandwich and choking on piece of hard candy.

Adverse reaction to the Israeli attacks has been strong across the Middle East. Numerous Arab and Muslim governments have called for condemnation by the United Nations, and tens of thousands of civilians across the region have taken to the streets in angry protest.

Meanwhile western governments and media have been more circumspect, taking care to spread the blame more evenly, among the Palestinians and their children.

"Litter is a blight, and Israel must be allowed to do what it feels necessary to prevent it," insisted US Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice, speaking to reporters in Washington. "I think we all remember the TV commercial with the crying Indian in the canoe. Do I really need to say more?"

For Main Course with Just Desserts, Bush Takes Duck Over Sole

BAGHDAD, Iraq (The Dissociated Press) - President Bush narrowly escaped injury here Sunday when he was attacked by a local journalist claiming to be a follower of the radical Shu'ite cleric Muqtada al-Florscheim.

Bush, on a surprise visit (think, Germany invading Poland, not, say, Bill Clinton appearing on "The Arsenio Hall Show") to Iraq in what his advisers were calling "The Decider's Farewell Victory Tour 08," was holding a press conference with Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, in a hardened, underground bunker inside the heavily fortified American Green Zone, when the journalist, Muntadar al-Zaidi, abruptly yelled something in Arabic and hurled his shoes, one at a time, at the President's head.

It was only Mr. Bush's noted agility, which, throughout his life, has allowed him to duck such obstacles as college admissions requirements, military service, drunk-driving charges, bankruptcy, democratically held elections, impeachment, and indictments for treason, that saved him from being hit by the projectile footwear.

As is his wont, the President downplayed the incident, saying it was "just one of the ways, in a free society, a person might choose to draw attention" to him or herself. "I don't really take it personally," he added.

The President's team went even further to paint a happy face on the attack, or "gesture" as they called it, with Press Secretary Dana Perino claiming that, according to the translation she was given, what al-Zaidi yelled before throwing the shoes was, "Honorable Mr. President Bush of the great country America, I am a very happy man with much fulfillment and good fortune. Please take these shoes as a gift of thanks for the freedom and prosperity you have brought to my country."

Several Iraqis, including Mr. al-Maliki himself, quickly refuted Perino's account, admitting that Mr. al-Zaidi had actually said, "Bush, you filthy dog, if it wouldn't violate my faith, I would wear these shoes on my feet and put them both so far up your rectum that they would protrude from your nostrils!"

Shu'ite beliefs and tenets are very similar to those of Shi'ite Muslims, except that, rather than remove their shoes from their feet for prayer, that is the only time the Shu'ah put them on their feet. At all other times, they are required to wear them on their hands, which, understandably, has led to some distinct cultural disadvantages, such as having great difficulty playing the Mandolin and a crippling aversion to eating with chopsticks. They've also developed a marked propensity for throwing their shoes when angered.

Mr. al-Zaidi was wrestled to the floor and taken into custody by Iraqi security guards immediately after the incident. However, on Monday, tens of thousands of Iraqis took to the streets in several cities, to protest his detention and demand his release.

"The throwing of footwear is a time-honored means of exercising free speech in our society, particularly for the Shu'ites," said one Baghdad protester. "Al-Zaidi was just putting into words, or shoes, what the vast majority of Iraqis feel. And, he was clearly very sincere; that was a 300,000 Dinar pair of Wingtip Oxfords he threw away!"

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Final Note - For those readers operating under the US-government-promoted illusion that, whether due to the US military "surge" or anything else, Iraq now stands at the threshold of political stability, here's a list of documented (but not in the mainstream US media) "peace and security" demonstrations over just the past month.

Nov  9 - 12 killed, scores injured in suicide bombing in Fallujah hospital

Nov 10 - 28 killed, 68 wounded by triple bombing in Baghdad marketplace
           - 6 killed in suicide attack near roadway checkpoint in Baquba

Nov 13 - 25 killed in multiple bombings across Baghdad
           - 2 US GIs killed, 6 wounded when shot by Iraqi soldier in Mosul

Nov 24 - 13 people on Baghdad bus killed by a roadside bomb
            - 5 killed by suicide bomber outside the US Green Zone

Dec  5 - 7 killed, over 100 wounded in a double truck bombing in Fallujah
           - 4 killed, 13 wounded by attackers with guns in Jalawa
           - 2 US GIs killed, 9 civilians wounded by car bomb near Mosul checkpoint

Dec 12 - Over 57 killed, 100 hurt in a suicide bombing at restaurant in Kirkuk

Motown Execs Remix "Ain't Too Proud to Beg"

WASHINGTON (The Dissociated Press) - After being roundly criticized last month for coming to Washington, requesting $34 billion in government bailouts for their companies, aboard separate, private cruise ships, the chief executives of Detroit's "Big Three" automakers returned to Capitol Hill Thursday, riding shotgun on an Amish wagon.

The last time around, Congress sent the executives, who were unprepared to explain what they would do with the bailouts, home empty handed, saying it wanted specific documentation on how the money would be used to "revive the domestic auto industry and the US economy." The lawmakers rejected the business chiefs' pledge to "not spend the money on drugs or prostitutes" as "failing to rise to the level of accountability required" for such a large public investment. (Interestingly, the chief officers for insurance giant AIG, which received a much larger bailout, had only been made to pledge not to spend the money on both drugs and prostitutes.)

This time the auto companies took no chances, submitting lengthy business and spending plans to legislators describing in detail how taxpayers' money would be put to work.

In keeping with Detroit's well-deserved reputation for innovation and anticipation of market trends, which has spawned some of the industry's most "remarkable" products (like, the all-iron, six-passenger Sport & Leisure Utility Getaway (SLUG) Van and the AMC Pacer), the plans focus little on the measures that most observers believe could return American car companies to profitability and respectability: like, producing cleaner, more fuel-efficient cars, that don't break, and limiting executive salaries to 10 figures during down years.

Instead, the executives told congress members, "the road forward for US auto companies will be paved by leveraging exciting 'dual use technologies.'"

Speaking before the Senate Banking Committee Thursday, General Motors CEO Richard Wagoner unveiled a new, four-door convertible that, he said, can double as a garden planter. And, Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli enthusiastically introduced the design for a "break-through" eight-cylinder pickup truck, which, tests have shown, works equally well as a ship anchor.

"We believe models like these represent the future of the American auto industry," said Nardelli.

Interestingly, no one in the room seemed to disagree.