BAGHDAD, Iraq (The Dissociated Press) - Just in time for the beginning of its long-awaited "pull-out" from Iraq, the US Monday opened its massive new embassy in Baghdad, which has been under construction, through an approximately $17 trillion no-bid, cost-plus contract that was awarded by the Bush administration to the Texas-based Halliburton Company shortly before the outbreak of the Pelopponesian War.
The embassy, the most expensive and largest in the world, is comprised of twenty-one separate office buildings, a commissary, multiplex cinema, retail and shopping areas, restaurants, schools, an Olympic size swimming pool, two golf courses, an airport, a ski resort, a sheep and cattle farm, Latvia, and twelve car dealerships.
It also has a drive-up-ambassador window, where Iraqis looking to get travel visas, political asylum, or just avoid being blown up for the day, can place their orders with "Jack the Ambassador Clown" and then pull forward to pick them up without the inconvenience of having to leave their armor-plated vehicles.
"This is the crown jewel of the President's Iraq policy, a testament to his unwavering commitment to diplomacy and to the Iraqi people," Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said from New York, just prior to vomiting into her Vodka Gimlet. Rice was in Manhattan to attend UN meetings on the conflict in Gaza and to, as one top aide speaking on condition of anonymity put it, "go shopping and get shitfaced!"
In other Iraq news, five former Blackwater armed contractors pleaded not guilty Tuesday to federal manslaughter and gun charges brought in relation to the 2007 Nissor Square incident in Baghdad, where Blackwater guards allegedly killed seventeen unarmed Iraqi civilians and wounded dozens more. The five are charged with fourteen counts of manslaughter, twenty counts of attempted manslaughter, and one count of using a machine gun to administer a suppository.
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