WASHINGTON, DC (The Dissociated Press) - President Bush held his final official White House press conference Monday, establishing once and for all that characterizations such as "unbelievable fucking moron," "soulless cretin," and "embarrassment to all primates" are far too generous in describing the country's outgoing executive.
Asked by reporters to reflect on mistakes he might have made during his presidency, Mr. Bush, who many scientists project will shortly be revealed as having been singly responsible for the extinction of, conservatively speaking, all living organisms on the planet, was hard pressed.
"I don't really dwell on mistakes," Bush told journalists. "That's more for historians and others who do hysterectomy."
"But," he continued, "I guess the time we had a state dinner with the Irish prime minister and used orange table linens; that was kind of a mistake, if you want to call it that."
In the area of foreign policy, particularly Iraq and Afghanistan, where a solid majority of Americans see Mr. Bush as a failure, and a solid majority of non-Americans see him as a war criminal, he admitted not to mistakes but to a number of disappointments.
"Well, not having weapons of mass destruction in Iraq when we invaded - that was a disappointment," Bush said...to which a senior State Department official standing in the rear of the room quietly cracked, "Yeah, especially for the Iraqis, I'll bet!"
Then, when one reporter asked the President if he felt frustrated, as a "lame duck," not being able to deal effectively with the burgeoning economic and political crises here and around the world, the State Department official, who requested anonymity, could barely contain himself.
"Lame duck, lame DUCK?!! What, are you kidding??!! This jackass has practically been in hiding for the past six months!! Quadriplegic chicken would be a more apt description!"
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