KARACHI, Pakistan (The Dissociated Press) - In Pakistan, eight people died Monday after masked gunmen assaulted a bus carrying the Sri Lankan cricket team to a match in the Pakistani city of Lahore.
Despite rising levels of violence in Pakistan over the past few years, this was the first known attack here against insect athletes. However, last year a modern dance troupe of Welsh katydids was stomped to death by irate theater goers in Faisalabad after giving a particularly avant-garde performance, highly offensive to Muslims as it turned out, called, simply, "Muhammad's Vagina."
The dead in Monday's attack included 6 Pakistani police officers and 2 bystanders. Six members of the cricket team were injured, including famed veteran wicket keeper, and one-time film actor, Jiminy Cricket.
There has yet been no claim of responsibility for the attack. However, over the past few months, the Sri Lankan government has been engaged in a harsh military assault against the separatist Tamil Tigers, in an effort, it says, to bring Sri Lanka's 25 year-old civil war to "a just end." There is, as a result, speculation that some of the Tigers, like "Alladin's" Raja and "Junglebook's" Shere Khan were involved in Monday's deadly raid.
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NEW YORK (The Dissociated Press) - The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped below 7,000 points Monday, for the first time in eleven years. US Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, responding to the news, told reporters in Washington Tuesday that the United States is undergoing "a significant contraction."
"I guess that means it's time to find a very large midwife!" joked a senior Treasury official, who asked to remain anonymous. "It could also mean that people going to bed in Rhode Island tonight are in danger of waking up in Lake Erie.
"Either way," the official said, "the ship this country's sailing on seems to be headed to the ocean floor!"
... And, finally ...
HAVANA, Cuba (The Dissociated Press) - Cuban President Raul Castro reshuffled his cabinet over the weekend, moving the pancake mix closer to the maple syrup and putting all of the canned goods on the bottom shelf.
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