NAIROBI, Kenya (The Dissociated Press) - President Barack Obama vowed a new Global War on Pirates this week, following the stunning conclusion Sunday, off the east coast of Africa, to a protracted high seas hostage drama involving the captain and crew of an American freighter.
The saga began on April 8th, when a small group of men (pirates, as it turned out) from Somalia, who were floating in the Indian Ocean on a large inner tube, came alongside the U.S. freighter Maersk Alabama (which means "Neil Young kicks Lynnard Skinner's ass," in Swedish) and asked if they could use the restroom. Not suspecting the men to be the freebooting raiders they turned out to be, the crew allowed the Somalis to board.
"How the hell were we supposed to know they were pirates??!!" asked one crew member who requested anonymity. "It was a few guys floating on an inner tube, in the middle of nowhere! They weren't flying a Jolly Roger! They said they needed to use the can!!!"
Once aboard, the pirates quickly drew daggers, marbles, and rubber bands and threatened the crew with the pain of . . . well . . . daggers, marbles, and rubber bands unless it handed over control of the ship. They also put on red cotton sashes, black leather tricorne hats, and matching eye patches. The latter accessory choice turned out to be an unfortunate one for one of the less disciplined marauders, who, in his excitement, put patches over both eyes and then stumbled over the ship's side rail into the water, where he was swallowed by a sperm whale.
When the pirates (who, according to a written press release distributed by their agent in Mogadishu, represented the needs of the ill-fed, ill-clothed, and just ill people of Somalia) repeated their demand for control of the ship and its cargo (which, ironically, consisted of donated food, clothing and medicine to be distributed in Somalia), the ship's captain, Richard Phillips, intervened and offered himself as a hostage. Strangely enough, the pirates accepted the captain's proposal, electing to forgo taking control of the fully loaded 17,000 ton ship in exchange for a guy in flip flops, a T-shirt, and Bermuda shorts, with a $45 Timex. After using the restroom, the pirates took the 53 year-old Phillips, a Vermont native, back onto their inner tube, while, unbeknownst to them, an American naval armada began heading in their direction on direct orders from President Obama.
For four days the pirates made demands to the Navy, from their inner tube, for the ransom that would secure Phillips' release. Initially, it was $20 million and helicopter passage to the Somali coast. On the second day, it was $10 million and a large, fully fueled motor boat. By day three, the Somalis had dropped their demand to $1 million and a couple of canoes. And, on the fourth day, with the strain of the episode starting to show, they lowered it again, to an air pump and some sun block.
Finally, on Sunday, with the pirates appearing to be both very tired and very agitated, and fearing for Phillips' immediate safety, the Navy's chief commander on the scene, Vice Adm. Bill Gortney, ordered two Navy Seals into action. Captain Pete Urpan and Lieutenant Commander Tim Kerbell were able to sneak alongside the inner tube under cover of darkness by swimming inside a hollowed out log, which was painted to look like a crocodile. Once next to the tube, Urpan and Kerbell killed the pirates, impaling them with iron pikes, and freed Phillips.
Speaking to the press about the rescue, back in Washington on Tuesday, Obama said, "Aye me maties, it was fine operation, indeed. But, arr, it is only the beginning! We must stay vigilant, whether aloft in a bosun's chair or belowdecks in the cook's quarters. Because these scurvy bilge rats are out to get us an' our American way o' life, arr! Ain't no matter if he's a half-wit, scum-ridden sea rover or a swashbucklin' picaroon; the only good pirate's a dead one, arr! An' we'll sail the seven seas to hunt 'em down!"
The President said he had instructed his "buxom wench Secretary of State" to work with foreign governments to "freeze pirate booty and plunder" wherever it could be found.
He also said he had sent to Congress a supplemental Defense Department spending request of $125 billion for the purchase of cutlasses, cannons, axes, and bow rams to outfit a new fleet of Man-O'-War naval ships.
At the conclusion of his address, the President let it be known once more that he was pleased with the outcome of the Navy's rescue.
"Avast, my fellow Americans, whaddya say we throw open the bung holes, fill our mugs with grog and head to the mess to partake in some general merriment!!??"
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