ARLINGTON, Virginia (The Dissociated Press) - President Obama delivered his highly anticipated "back-to-school" address to the nation's schoolchildren Tuesday and, contrary to fears by many that he would use the occasion to "indoctrinate our youth to his radical Marxist agenda," he spent most of the time giving students fatherly advice on things like, how to pick up white women, perform African voodoo rituals, and cook human flesh in a way that "locks in the moisture."
For weeks since the White House announced the President's plans to come across the Potomac River, to Wakefield High School, and deliver a speech that would be made simultaneously available to schools all over the country, right-wing politicians and media personalities had been clamoring that Mr. Obama did not intend to speak on education, but rather to promote left-wing, Soviet-style policies. The ensuing uproar had tens of thousands of parents vowing to pull their children from school and "lock them in the basement for the next four years," if that's what it took to keep them safe.
"This president is a black radical communist who hates white people, hates American values, and fashions himself to be the Great African Messiah come to the New World to avenge his slave ancestors!" said Fox News Network commentator Glenn Beck last week on his program "I Have No Brain, and I Hate People Who Are!"
"And now he is trying to turn our children into legions of brainwashed foot soldiers to join him in his messianic quest!" Beck said.
However, Mr. Obama clearly disappointed Beck, and the many others engaged in similar hysterics, with his speech Tuesday, because there was no hint of the kind of politicization they so vehemently warned against. Instead, the President drew on experiences from his own life to try to relate practical "life skills" that he said all children needed to have, such as "being able to communicate within a diverse community."
To that end, speaking in his native Swahili, the President taught students to say, "Samahani rafiki. Mimi nimekula baba mdogo. Nitakunywa maji tu? Nina kiu sana." Which, translated to English, means, "Excuse me, friend. I've just eaten your uncle. Could I please have some water? I'm very thirsty."