The Dissociated Press

Does Il Fate Await North Korea?

SEOUL, South Korea (The Dissociated Press) - In another of what has become an escalating series of provocative moves by Pyongyang over the past month, the North Korean government announced Wednesday that it plans to annex Canada.

It was not immediately revealed how the annexation would be accomplished, but a North Korean diplomat, speaking on condition of anonymity, because he was unauthorized to discuss the matter and feared being forced to go to Chairman Kim Jong-Il's hair stylist, said it would probably involve "the use of several hockey pucks and a polar bear."

In recent weeks, North Korea has acted with what appears to be increasing recklessness, conducting an underground nuclear test, test-firing two long range nuclear-capable missiles, and hiring Somalian pirates to threaten U.S. and South Korean ships near its territorial waters.

On Monday, Pyongyang's official news agency reported that, following a secret trial, which lasted approximately 16 and-a-half minutes, a North Korean court had sentenced two American journalists, Euna Lee and Laura Ling, of Current TV, to 12 years' hard labor for wearing non-state-sanctioned eye liner.

"I hate to say it, but this seems to be a country with a death wish, if such a thing is possible," said one high-ranking Pentagon official, who asked to be identified only as Uma Thurman.

The sentiment is widely shared. Indeed, on Monday of this week, it was announced that Chairman Kim had just personally concluded contract negotiations, with the artist Christo, to have the entire country wrapped in a giant bull's eye, with the giant words, "Go ahead, make my day!" outlined in flashing neon lights covering a 40 square-mile area at the center.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il

Little is know in the west, or in North Korea for that matter, about the enigmatic Kim, other than that he is the natural-born son of American stand-up comedian Marty Allen.

Comedian Marty Allen

Kim (né Irving Alpern) and Allen --- who was a month shy of 20 years old when Kim (Alpern) was born to a waitress Allen was seeing in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, his hometown --- had a falling out in 1972 over an off-color joke Allen made while guest starring on the popular TV game show, "The Hollywood Squares." In what Allen claims Kim later admitted to him was "a slight overreaction," the young man moved to North Korea, where, mostly through happenstance and a series of well-planned murders, he  became the adopted son of and successor (in 1994) to the country's revered founder and president, Kim Il-Sung.

Over the past year, in which the Chairman had a couple of prolonged absences from public view, there were rumors that the 67 year-old Kim was seriously ill and had possibly even died. While the latter has been clearly refuted, Kim acted last week on concerns about his health, and on his own oft-stated desire to keep power over North Korea in his family's hands, by officially naming a cup of his sperm as his successor.

Legal Eagles...or Not

SACRAMENTO, California (The Dissociated Press) - In what is sure to be just another milestone in the lengthy legal and political battle over same-sex marriage, the California Supreme Court Tuesday ruled that it has Alzheimer's Disease and can't remember why it's wearing black robes.

By a 6-1 margin, the justices voted to uphold a state constitutional ban on same-sex marriage, which they, themselves, ruled, last year, could not be banned by the state constitution. The ban was enacted through a statewide voter referendum, Proposition 8, which passed in November with 52 percent of the vote.

Writing for the six-member majority, Chief Justice Ronald George asked in his opinion, "What is my name? Is it Ron, or is it George? ... I knew a boy who had a dog named George. Is that who I am? I hope so; I like licking my balls and peeing on fire hydrants!! ... Hello?! Who's there? ... Did I just say something? What time is 'Howdy Doody' on? I really like Buffalo Bob! ... May I please have some Ovaltine?! ... Hello?! ... Hello??!!"

Proposition 8 is a legacy of California's controversial statewide initiative process, which allows voters, and certain species of wild animals, to amend the state's constitution with a simple majority --- usually either by a show of hands or using an applause meter. Through the initiative process, California's constitution has been amended 43,272 times since 1911, when the process came into being. By contrast, in the over-220 years since the federal Constitution was written, only twenty-seven amendments have been added to it, and the first ten (the Bill of Rights) came before it was even out in paperback!

As the result of one inglorious proposition (among thousands), which voters placed on the ballot three decades ago, the state constitution currently protects the right of persons who have owned their homes since 1978 to demolish a public school at their whim (as well as a public university, hospital, and library), provided that no students are inside it at the time. (No similar safety provision is offered for teachers.)

Another voter initiative, passed in the 1950s, established fundamental protections for "the civil rights of asphalt!"

Following the announcement of the Court's decision, angry protests by supporters of same-sex marriage, and, more generally, of equality among people, broke out across California. Justice Joyce Kennard, one of the three justices who developed dementia between voting last year to uphold same-sex marriage and voting against themselves this week, seemed taken aback by the public's outrage. In trying to explain her most recent legal reasoning, she pointed out that the Court had to decide between the competing interests of two rights: that of gays to marry and that of Californians to change their constitution.

"On the one hand we had the inalienable right of all couples to engage in a civil contract of mutual, life-long support, sanctioned and enforced by the state," Kennard said. "On the other hand, we had the inalienable right of Californians to put propositions on ballots and vote on stuff. It was a very tough call!"

"Now, may I please have some Ovaltine? ... Hello??!!"

Meanwhile, in...

WASHINGTON (The Dissociated Press) - President Obama nominated federal appeals court judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court Tuesday, putting her in line to become the country's first Hispanic justice and, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg hopes, bringing a badly needed left-handed power hitter to the Court's softball line-up.

Sotomayor would replace retiring justice David Souter, who announced this spring that he would leave the Court at the end of its present term in order to devote himself full time to his true passion: competitive needlepoint.

Souter is regarded as a reliable member of the Court's liberal wing, although he was appointed, in 1990, by Republican president George H. W. Bush and strongly opposed at the time by, among 7 other Democrats, Massachusetts senators Ted Kennedy and John Kerry. But Souter was a relative lightweight when he joined the Court, having only five prior months of service on a federal bench, the 1st Circuit Court of Appeals.

By contrast, Sotomayor has a wealth of experience in the federal judiciary. Since 1998 she has been on the 2nd Circuit Federal Court of Appeals in New York City. And before that, from 1992 to 1998, she was a judge of the U.S. District Court for the Southern District of New York.

Introducing her in the East Room of the White House on Tuesday, President Obama hailed both her experience on the bench and her compelling life story.

Indeed, Sotomayor's personal history is hardly typical for a nominee to the Court. She was born in the Bronx to Puerto Rican immigrant parents, who, fearing that they lacked the money to feed her, left her in a large wooded area north of New York City, where she was adopted and raised by a family of wolves, until she was 18, when she left the forest to attend Princeton University and Yale Law School.

"Judge Sotomayor, in addition to having great depth and breadth of experience in federal law, has the personal background to provide a perspective and level of empathy that are both rare and badly needed on the Court," the President said.

Several Republicans quickly seized on Mr. Obama's statement, accusing him of trying to appoint an "activist judge" with strong familial biases favoring the rights of ethnic minorities, and wildlife.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said Tuesday the Senate would not be a “rubber stamp” to confirm Sotomayor and said Republicans would “examine her record to ensure she understands that the role of a jurist in our democracy is to apply the law even-handedly, despite their own feelings or personal or political preferences.”

And the Republicans' ranking member on the Senate Judiciary Committee, Jeff Sessions of Alabama, whose nomination to the federal bench 23 years ago was rejected by that same committee, was adamant about the need for vigilance in reviewing and evaluating the nomination of a judge who makes decisions based on empathy.

"The President and other liberals need to understand that a justice's role is to evaluate cases and make decisions based on what is written in the Constitution," Sessions said in an interview Wednesday. "Things like empathy or personal beliefs cannot be allowed to enter into a justice's legal rulings."

Sessions said he was referring to instances where, for example, a Latina justice, based on personal experience, might reflexively find credibility in a black person's claim of being discriminated against by a bank loan officer.

"This type of feelings-based approach to the law has no place on the Court," Sessions said.

Presumably the senator would differentiate completely such legal methodologies from the strict Constitutional interpretations which might, say, lead a justice to rule that the public school day should begin with a prayer, or that human life begins at the moment of erection.

Reverse Photo Synthesis

WASHINGTON (The Dissociated Press) - President Obama Monday observed the Memorial Day tradition of laying a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns in Arlington National Cemetery and then ordering the bombing of a third world nation. Mr. Obama supplemented those traditional presidential activities this Memorial Day, his first in office, by organizing a pick-up basketball game in the White House gymnasium.

During the brief, solemn ceremony at the Tomb of the Unknowns, the President saluted the men and women of America's fighting forces, "both living and dead," as "the best the country has to offer."

"Personally, I think the dead ones are the most outstanding," Mr. Obama remarked extemporaneously. "They tend to put fewer demands on the Veterans' Administration, and we don't see quite as many of them cutting off their ex-girlfriends' heads and putting them in bowling-ball bags."

Immediately after laying the wreath and observing a moment of silence, Obama wondered aloud why the country's "fallen warriors" felt such a sense of duty to serve, knowing they might have to make "the ultimate sacrifice."

"Why in an age when so many have acted only in pursuit of the narrowest self-interest have the soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines of this generation volunteered all that they have on behalf of others?" Obama asked the gathering of several hundred military personnel and their families.

Not realizing that the question had been rhetorical, a large portion of the audience shouted, together, in reply, "Because, except for military recruiters, there was nobody left working in their schools, and other than selling drugs, they had no other viable career options!!"

President Obama also used the occasion to defend his decision, nearly two weeks ago, to fight the release of photographs documenting the abuse of Afghan and Iraqi detainees in US military custody on the basis that the pictures "might incite resentment" in those two peoples toward American forces. This, as opposed to the warm and generous attitude toward Americans that have been engendered by, say, the massive destruction and ongoing US occupations of their entire countries.

The President's decision reversed an agreement the government had reached with the American Civil Liberties Union, which he had backed, to release photographs of prisoner abuse at Baghdad's Abu Ghraib and a half-dozen other US-run prisons after the ACLU prevailed in a Freedom of Information Act lawsuit first filed in 2004.

Explaining the administration's backtracking, Defense Secretary Robert Gates told reporters at the time that he and the President had both changed their minds about releasing the photos after receiving an urgent memo from the top military commanders in Iraq and Afghanistan, Gen. Ray Odierno and Gen. David McKiernan, saying "Exercise extreme caution. If those pictures get out, they're definitely going to know we're here."

Health Care (cough, cough...choke, gag) Reform

WASHINGTON (The Dissociated Press) - A group of health care industry leaders claimed Thursday that President Obama had substantially overstated their pledge earlier in the week to reduce costs.

Last Monday, Mr. Obama stood at the White House with a group of executives and lobbyists from hospitals, insurance companies, and drug manufacturers, and announced that they'd committed to cut costs by $2 trillion over the next ten years. Three days later, however, the company leaders issued a joint statement saying they'd only agreed to voluntary cost controls, and in the range of two to three hundred dollars annually, which they said they could probably realize by buying their yacht accessories in bulk.

Then, in an extraordinary move Thursday (although, not really for a Democratic administration), the White House Director of Health Care Reform, Nancy-Ann DeParle, told reporters she agreed with the companies that the President had "misspoken" on Monday. But, one hour later, DeParle returned to the White House briefing room --- visibly shaken, with a black eye, a split lip, and a basketball lodged in her ear --- to confirm that President Obama's comments Monday "accurately reflected the plans formally adopted by the industry groups."

The meeting at the White House, and the resulting concessions --- if, they in fact were made --- are largely seen as part of the industry's attempt to stave off a single-payer (that is, publicly financed and guaranteed) universal health care system, with which, it fears, it could not profitably compete. Virtually every other industrialized country in the world guarantees health care for its citizens through a single-payer system.

Mr. Obama embraced single-payer health care early in his presidential campaign but has since been seen as moving away from it. Many believe that this has been a necessary move by the President in order to find a "workable compromise" with the majority of members in Congress, who (surely through sheer coincidence) have received tens of millions of dollars in campaign contributions from the health industry, and who strongly favor a plan requiring all (increasingly unemployed) U.S. citizens to obtain private health care coverage through their country clubs or personal asset managers.

But Obama protested in a recent television interview that he was not abandoning the effort to switch to a single-payer health care system but simply postponing it until he had finished implementing the country's new, single-payer banking system.

Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, the Senate Finance Committee, chaired by Montana Democrat Max Baucus --- who, from 1962 - 1967, played Thurston Howell III on the popular TV sitcom "Gilligan's Island" --- held hearings last week on the future of U.S. health care. Dozens of invited speakers, purported experts, from around the country came to render their opinions to the committee on the best ways to provide health care to Americans. But, despite numerous polls showing that roughly two-thirds of Americans favor a single-payer system, the committee did not invite testimony from a single advocate of the publicly-financed universal model, which left many questioning why Baucus, or any senator from a state in which people are outnumbered three-to-one by wall-mounted moose heads, should play such a pivotal role on so critical an issue to so many Americans.

When Pigs Flu!

GENEVA, Switzerland (The Dissociated Press) - A virulent strain of influenza virus, composed both of swine and avian flu, and transmittable between humans, continued to stoke fears of a possible worldwide pandemic Tuesday, as the World Health Organization, head-quartered in Geneva, raised its pandemic threat level index from "very serious" to "oh, merde!!"

Health officials in the U.S. Tuesday reported the first known death from the virus, which has killed an estimated 160 people and sickened over 2,500 in Mexico. And, with new cases of the disease reported in Australia, Canada, Spain, Israel, Britain, and New Zealand, concern over its spread has diverted attention from other troubling developments, such as the global economic melt-down and the fact that Osama bin Laden has put a sizeable down payment on a 50-acre luxury estate in suburban Islamabad where he plans, among other things, to keep Pakistan's entire nuclear arsenal, once the Taliban complete their takeover of the country.

The United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization is sending a team to Mexico to investigate claims that pig farms there were the source of the influenza --- or "swine flu," as it has been popularly dubbed --- outbreak in humans. Several countries around the world have banned the import of American and Mexican pork products. Meanwhile, demonstrating what it says is its "concern for public health," the U.S. pork industry lobbied strongly this week for the government to stop referring to the virus as swine flu and, instead, refer to it by its "easier-to-remember" scientific name, Influenza H1N1.A-TX_2∏±4-FQ.

Some critics of modern industrial agriculture say that the chances for avian and swine viruses to combine and be transported with human pathogens, as with the current strain, have been greatly increased by the highly concentrated, factory-like livestock and poultry "farming" that prevails in much of North America today.

"Before World War II, poultry and pigs were basically farmed in small backyard operations all across the country, and the amount of animal-to-animal or human-to-animal contact was very limited" said Robert Wallace, visiting professor at the University of Minnesota and author of the forthcoming book Farming Human Pathogens: Ecological Resilience and Evolutionary Process. "It was not a very efficient environment for cultivating pathogens, which is what you want, obviously.

"But nowadays, with these huge, overcrowded industrial meat and poultry plants --- they're not farms --- that have taken over the industry, where tens of thousands of animals are not raised, but are "housed and processed," often by large teams of minimally trained laborers working under stressful conditions, it's like having the pigs, chickens, and people, with whatever pathogenic microorganisms they're carrying, sealed up in a big Petri dish!"

In Washington, President Obama asked Congress for $1.5 billion in supplemental funding Wednesday to purchase pharmaceuticals, primary health care, and enhanced public education targeting the influenza outbreak. Recognizing the growing potential for public panic, however, he also tried to inject a bit of levity to the request.

Speaking from the White House Rose Garden, the President said, "For those of you in Congress who reject my request, because you're ideologically opposed to more government spending, and you continue to look at the failed Bush economic policies through rose-colored lenses, just let me say this: it's fine if you want to keep putting lipstick on that pig, but, for all of our sake, just remember not to kiss it!"

Assault of the Earth

WASHINGTON (The Dissociated Press) - Unmanned US drones carried out another strike inside Pakistan Monday, killing eight civilians, according to the Pakistani media. In Washington, Pentagon officials confirmed the attack but insisted that all of the victims were members of Adolph Hitler's inner circle.

Meanwhile, in honor of Earth Day, Secretary of Defence Robert Gates announced today that the United States was undertaking several initiatives to "make war more environmentally friendly."

"We recognize that if we destroy the Earth, there will be no more wars to fight," Gates told a gathering of reporters during a special Pentagon Earth Day press briefing.

Quoting the famed 19th century Suquamish Indian leader, Chief Seattle, Gates asked, rhetorically, "What is there to life if a man cannot hear the lovely cry of the whippoorwill, or the arguments of the frog around the pond at night?

"What I mean to say is that, as the world's biggest single consumer of fossil fuels, biggest single emitter of greenhouse gasses, and biggest single source of toxic soil and water contamination, the US military has an obligation to become a better steward of the planet," Gates said.

The secretary introduced a list of pro-environment initiatives the military was taking up; it includes: purchasing 500 new plug-in hybrid armored personnel carriers, re-outfitting the Navy's entire fleet of Los Angeles-class fast-attack nuclear submarines to make them "dolphin safe," and requiring that, from now on, all American tank shells be made only with organically-produced depleted uranium.

"I'm not really sure what any of that means," Gates said. "But, I'm confident that with the proper care and attention paid to our sacred and delicate celestial home, the war business will be around for generations to come!"

Race is, ummm, Something We'd Rather not Talk About

GENEVA, Switzerland (The Dissociated Press) - The 2009 UN Conference on Racism (or "Durban II" as it is being called, to honor the famous 19th century South African racist, George Durban) was the scene of a dramatic, albeit staged, diplomatic protest today.

Representatives from the UK and France abruptly walked out of the vast auditorium at the Palais des Nations when Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (or "Ringo," as his friends like to call him, apparently because of a perceived resemblance to the affable former Beatle) stepped up to the podium and, in a move that was unanticipated by exactly seven living organisms on the planet, all of which are mushrooms, spoke unkindly about the state of Israel. Delegates from Finland also left the hall in protest, but they did so on cross-country skis.

The demonstration threatened to further undermine the chances for progress to come out of the proceedings, which had already suffered the loss of key participants. Last week, nine Western countries, led by Israel and the United States, announced plans to boycott the conference, because they anticipated their representatives "being made to feel uncomfortable" there, and they also felt it had "nothing to do with" them.

"We just elected a schvartzer for president, for Christ's sake!" said White House chief of staff, Rahm Emmanuel. "What the hell do these people think they're going to teach us about combatting racism??!!"

The Buc Stops Here

NAIROBI, Kenya (The Dissociated Press) - President Barack Obama vowed a new Global War on Pirates this week, following the stunning conclusion Sunday, off the east coast of Africa, to a protracted high seas hostage drama involving the captain and crew of an American freighter.

The saga began on April 8th, when a small group of men (pirates, as it turned out) from Somalia, who were floating in the Indian Ocean on a large inner tube, came alongside the U.S. freighter Maersk Alabama (which means "Neil Young kicks Lynnard Skinner's ass," in Swedish) and asked if they could use the restroom. Not suspecting the men to be the freebooting raiders they turned out to be, the crew allowed the Somalis to board.

"How the hell were we supposed to know they were pirates??!!" asked one crew member who requested anonymity. "It was a few guys floating on an inner tube, in the middle of nowhere! They weren't flying a Jolly Roger! They said they needed to use the can!!!"

Once aboard, the pirates quickly drew daggers, marbles, and rubber bands and threatened the crew with the pain of . . . well . . . daggers, marbles, and rubber bands unless it handed over control of the ship. They also put on red cotton sashes, black leather tricorne hats, and matching eye patches. The latter accessory choice turned out to be an unfortunate one for one of the less disciplined marauders, who, in his excitement, put patches over both eyes and then stumbled over the ship's side rail into the water, where he was swallowed by a sperm whale.

When the pirates (who, according to a written press release distributed by their agent in Mogadishu, represented the needs of the ill-fed, ill-clothed, and just ill people of Somalia) repeated their demand for control of the ship and its cargo (which, ironically, consisted of donated food, clothing and medicine to be distributed in Somalia), the ship's captain, Richard Phillips, intervened and offered himself as a hostage. Strangely enough, the pirates accepted the captain's proposal, electing to forgo taking control of the fully loaded 17,000 ton ship in exchange for a guy in flip flops, a T-shirt, and Bermuda shorts, with a $45 Timex. After using the restroom, the pirates took the 53 year-old Phillips, a Vermont native, back onto their inner tube, while, unbeknownst to them, an American naval armada began heading in their direction on direct orders from President Obama.

For four days the pirates made demands to the Navy, from their inner tube, for the ransom that would secure Phillips' release. Initially, it was $20 million and helicopter passage to the Somali coast. On the second day, it was $10 million and a large, fully fueled motor boat. By day three, the Somalis had dropped their demand to $1 million and a couple of canoes. And, on the fourth day, with the strain of the episode starting to show, they lowered it again, to an air pump and some sun block.

Finally, on Sunday, with the pirates appearing to be both very tired and very agitated, and fearing for Phillips' immediate safety, the Navy's chief commander on the scene, Vice Adm. Bill Gortney, ordered two Navy Seals into action. Captain Pete Urpan and Lieutenant Commander Tim Kerbell were able to sneak alongside the inner tube under cover of darkness by swimming inside a hollowed out log, which was painted to look like a crocodile. Once next to the tube, Urpan and Kerbell killed the pirates, impaling them with iron pikes, and freed Phillips.

Speaking to the press about the rescue, back in Washington on Tuesday, Obama said, "Aye me maties, it was fine operation, indeed. But, arr, it is only the beginning! We must stay vigilant, whether aloft in a bosun's chair or belowdecks in the cook's quarters. Because these scurvy bilge rats are out to get us an' our American way o' life, arr! Ain't no matter if he's a half-wit, scum-ridden sea rover or a swashbucklin' picaroon; the only good pirate's a dead one, arr! An' we'll sail the seven seas to hunt 'em down!"

The President said he had instructed his "buxom wench Secretary of State" to work with foreign governments to "freeze pirate booty and plunder" wherever it could be found.

He also said he had sent to Congress a supplemental Defense Department spending request of $125 billion for the purchase of cutlasses, cannons, axes, and bow rams to outfit a new fleet of Man-O'-War naval ships.

At the conclusion of his address, the President let it be known once more that he was pleased with the outcome of the Navy's rescue.

"Avast, my fellow Americans, whaddya say we throw open the bung holes, fill our mugs with grog and head to the mess to partake in some general merriment!!??"

Can Anyone Stop the Crimson Tide??!!

DETROIT, Michigan (The Dissociated Press) - The Tarheels of North Carolina dominated the Michigan State Spartans here Monday night, 89 - 72, to win the national men's Division-I college basketball title for the second time in five years. But, while the  65-team NCAA tournament has come to a close for another year, it seems that NRA (National Rifle Association) March Madness is just hitting its stride.

Alabama got things started on March 10th, when 28 year-old Michael McLendon shot and killed 11 people, starting with his girlfriend and mother, in 6 different locations around the town of Samson before taking his own life.

On March 21st, California answered with a quadruple homicide of Oakland police officers when 26 year-old parolee Lovelle Mixon, who had failed to contact his parole agent for over a month, was pulled over for a routine traffic stop. Mixon fatally shot the two officers who stopped him and then fled on foot to his sister's apartment, nearby. When police tried to apprehend him there about an hour later, he killed two of them before being killed, himself.

It was California rising to the occasion again, on March 29th, when Devan Kalathat, 42, a Silicon Valley engineer living in Santa Clara, shot dead his two children and three other relatives before turning his gun on himself.

North Carolina, with hot shooting Robert Stewart, fired its first salvo of the NRA tournament on the same day. Stewart, 45, burst into a Carthage nursing home and gunned down 7 elderly residents and a 39 year-old nurse. He was injured, but not killed, in a subsequent shootout with police, who then took him into custody.

New York at Binghamton turned in an impressive performance last Friday with a body count of 14, including the anti-climactic suicide of the 41 year-old gunman, Jiverly Wong, at the American Civic Association immigrant center. Wong, in an apparent failed attempt to protect himself from himself, was wearing bullet-proof armor when he died.

Pennsylvania got into the hunt on Saturday, in Pittsburgh, when a dog urinating in the home of 23 year-old Richard Poplawski prompted an argument between Poplawski and his mother, whom he lives with, which prompted the mother to call police, which prompted Poplawski to heavily arm himself and lie in wait, outside the house, for the police to arrive, at which point he killed 3 of them. Poplawski was also wearing protective armor but, unlike Wong, managed not to commit suicide. He was, instead, taken into custody after a 4-hour siege.

Finally, also on Saturday, northwestern powerhouse Washington moved up in the tournament ranks when James Harrison, 34, of Graham, shot his 5 children, ages 7 - 16, and then himself, after learning that his wife had planned to leave him for another man. Four of the five children were apparently in their beds, asleep, when they were killed.

"It's an impressive field, to be sure," said Adam Heggenstaller, a reporter for the NRA's Shooting Illustrated magazine in a telephone conference call. "But, at this point, it's hard to see anyone beating out Alabama for the title.

"Other teams, like Carolina and NY-Binghamton, have impressive numbers too, but walking into a nursing home or immigrant center and shooting the place up, especially when you're wearing protective gear, is just not the same as going to 6 different places inside of an hour, like McClendon did. That's doing something!

"I do, however, want to say that I'm really sick of seeing teams advance in the tournament with these mass killings of children. I say this not only as the employee of an NRA publication, but as someone who strongly advocates for the right of law-abiding citizens to own guns - it's time for the NRA tournament to clean up its act!" said Heggenstaller.

Also on the conference call was SI's Richard Mann.

"I've got to agree with Andy, which is rare," said Mann. "It's going to be extremely tough to get past Alabama."

For Whom the Bail (out) Tolls

DETROIT, Michigan (The Dissociated Press) - President Obama put the brakes on breaks for two of America's Big Three auto makers Monday, announcing in a White House speech that General Motors and Chrysler had failed to lay out sufficient restructuring plans to justify the large taxpayer investments they were seeking.

GM had requested over $16 billion in new federal aid, on top of the $13.4 billion it received in December, while Chrysler, after receiving an initial $4 billion at the end of last year, had asked for Canada.

Most analysts agree that, for the "modest" amounts the companies were hoping to get, rather than going to Washington to appeal to the government, their chief executives would have been better advised to go to AIG headquarters in New York and wait for the inevitable loose $20 billion, or so, to drop out of someone's pocket.

Mr. Obama said the government would fund GM's operations for 60 more days, giving it a chance to rework its survival plan, which, he said, would need to include, at the very least, provision for making a car that someone would want to buy.

As a precondition to the 60 days of additional support, the President demanded the resignation of GM chief executive Rick Wagoner. As CEO, Wagoner focused the company's resources on fuel guzzling SUVs and trucks, even as the cost of gasoline was skyrocketing and other companies were making great progress with gas-electric hybrid vehicles.

While Toyota and Honda were gaining consumer trust and rapidly increasing market share with the super efficient Prius and Civic hybrids, GM was using the initially popular Iraq War as a marketing platform for its nuclear powered Hummer, which, among other, more significant drawbacks, got only 8 miles per uranium fuel rod. That number is based on city driving, however; on the highway it got as much as 8.6 miles per fuel rod.

The President said there was "a very difficult road ahead" for GM, but he described Chrysler's situation as "basically f--ked."

"The federal government will support Chrysler for the next 30 days," Mr. Obama said, "during which time Chrysler must form a partnership with a stronger, foreign auto maker, such as Yugo."

However, even then, the President admitted, Chrysler's survival at this time is still a long shot, coming less than 2 years after it was dumped by its previous European "host body," Germany's Daimler AG, and sold to Ralph & Fred's Private Equity Bank of Toledo, Ohio.

In the end, Obama, describing the US auto industry as "a pillar of our economy," said his administration would do all it could to help it succeed.

"We cannot, we must not, and we will not let our auto industry simply vanish," Obama said. "We will, however, entertain the possibility of trading it to Japan in exchange for, say, a new Wii console and some good Pokemon cards," he said.

And, from . . .

LONDON (The Dissociated Press) - Pop star and cultural icon Madonna announced through a publicist Tuesday that she has begun proceedings to adopt the south African country of Namibia.

"Namibia is a very young country and has suffered heavily from the effects of HIV/AIDS. Madonna loves countries; she loves caring for them. And she just wants to do what she can to help," said the publicist.